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[RF] WTC4: Sparkplug

2020.10.27 08:08 G_Boreas [RF] WTC4: Sparkplug

Early Sunday evening was settling in on the large parking lot of Twins plaza. Several groups of cars were parked here and there. Inside the cars, or standing outside, groups of young people were chatting with each other, drinking coffee, having a cigarette, or listening to music. The focal point was the Twins Coffee Shop, or Twinnie’s as its most loyal patrons called it. Twinnie’s parking lot was the place where restless youth assembled to bond and to plot against the vast oppression of the suburban life.
Two friends, Pauly and Lennon, were lounging in the reclined seats of Lennon’s Lexus. They were talking about Eli Panier, the newly minted Silicon Valley billionaire.
- Can you imagine? said Pauly, - The man comes to the country with barely a dime in his pocket, and ten years later he’s runs the most profitable AI firm on the planet. He is one of those rare geniuses who just see things others cannot see. He explains it to these hedge fund wizards, and they hand him over hundreds of millions of dollars. Next thing you know, our reality is getting transformed by new technology.
- Man, I met some of those hedge fund guys in college and these people have next-level vision. Their everyday reality is something we can only dream about. They run this country. Hell, they run this world. But to Eli Panier they are only a bunch of bumbling children. Can you imagine that level of flow?
- Bankers may run the country, but they don’t do anything creative. Eli Panier on the other hand is a modern-day Prometheus. He is taking humanity to the space age.
- Bankers don’t give a shit about the space age, man. Cash rules. They care about living the good life. Mansions, swimming pools, women. They let the nerds build the technology, and they take the money and celebrate by banging super models.
- Sure, finance requires a high-level IQ, but at Eli Panier’s level of IQ? He has transcended sex, man. To people like him, sex is like a remnant of our animal evolution. They get mind orgasms thinking about space and science and shit.
Pauly and Lennon turned up hip hop on the sound system and looked out onto the parking lot and the Twinnie’s coffee shop behind it. Inside the coffee shop, three women in grey uniforms and hairnets were busy taking orders. They were serving coffee and donuts to an endless line of customers pulling up and out of the plaza.
A black sedan pulled up some distance in front of them, next to red car that was already parked there for a while. Two beautiful young women walked out of it. A third attractive girl that walked out of the red car, and they greeted each other with hugs.
- Damn, that’s Laura, said Pauly.
- Man, she was hot ever since high school, but right now she’s turning into a total bombshell, said Lennon.
- She’s dating some lawyer who works downtown.
- She knows what she’s doing, eh? A downtown lawyer is a big upgrade from her last boyfriend.
- Yeah, no kidding. That bouncer who got arrested for beating some junkie kid half-dead.
- Let’s go talk to those girls, said Lennon.
- Honk or something, said Pauly.
As they were deliberating, a white Honda Civic pulled up right by their car, and the driver rolled down his windows. It was their high school friend Theo.
- Dude, where have you disappeared? We haven’t seen you much this summer, said Pauly.
- Working hard, said Theo.
- You still working with that crazy Ramón dude? asked Lennon. - Why are you doing that crazy job man? Those construction guys are mad as bats.
- It’s a good question, said Theo, - I’ve been wondering that myself.
- And where were you last night? We were all playing poker at my house, said Pauly.
- Man, last night was crazy. Marvin and I ended up at a pool party in Pine Grove. I ended up sleeping with this cougar at the house.
- No way, Pine Grove! said Lennon, - That’s sick man. You’ve got to introduce us to some of your new rich friends.
- You guys chill here every day, enjoying life, huh? Don’t you ever get bored of Twinnie’s?
- Bored? answered Pauly, - This is where it’s at my man! Check out the action over there. Pauly pointed at the three women.
- Oh, it’s Laura and those girls, said Theo. – I can barely recognize her.
Theo stepped out of the car and went into Twinnie’s to buy a coffee. On his way there he passed right by Laura and said hi. On his way out, he chatted them up a bit and then nodded in the direction of Pauly and Lennon. The girls waved. Next thing, the boys and the girls were all out of their cars and talking to each other.
- So, what have you been up to, Pauly? asked Laura. I saw your mom at the mall the other day. She told me about your plans to move to the big city.
- Oh, nothing is sure yet, said Pauly, - We are considering expanding with another restaurant in New York. But we are only in the planning stage.
Everyone congratulated Pauly. Only Lennon and Laura had known the news.
- When you set up shop in Manhattan, I’m coming down right away, laughed Lennon. - I’ll move my accounting business down there too and we can live the high life. All the ladies are welcome to join us as well.
Theo was beginning to feel uncomfortable. His construction job wasn’t going to fit in well into that conversation. However, he could brag about making friends in Pine Grove.
- Talking about high life, he said, - I went to a party in this mansion in Pine Grove. I made friends with the host; this banker guy named Neil. He and his friends were talking about their investment business.
- Well, you have a science degree, said Pauly, - You were the math kid ever since high school. Tell those guys to hook you up with some work, man! You can work the Excel sheets for them, predict the stock market.
- Actually, we did talk some business. I think I might actually have a chance here.
- That’s awesome! said Laura, - You go get tiger!
- We’ll see. It may be complicated.
A warm summer night was beginning to set. Some more friends came and went. Most people knew each other from back when they went to the same local high school. Much of the conversation revolved around recurring jokes and recycled gossip. Eventually there were only the guys left with Laura. Pauly turned the conversation turned to a funny podcast by Bill Burr and they went back into Lennon’s Lexus to listen to it. Theo sat in the back with Laura. Lennon and Pauly played the piece in front and found it really funny. Theo smiled here and there.
Laura didn’t find it funny at all. The piece was making fun of women.
- I don’t know, the guy just sounds like he is really bitter.
- Laura, it’s not like that, said Pauly, - If you listen to the guys other stuff, you’ll see that he’s not a bad guy. He has a great relationship with his wife, and she pitches in too sometimes.
The argument escalated from there and Laura wanted to go home. However, her girlfriend who drove her to Twinnie’s had left.
- You know what, screw you guys, said Laura. – Theo, can you please drop me off at home? It’s getting late anyways.
- Sure, said Theo. The other two guys were by that point were more or less silenced.
Theo and Laura walked over to Theo’s car and got in.
- It smells a little funky in here, said Laura.
- Sorry, it’s all my construction clothes. Theo did not foresee a woman in his car that weekend, so didn’t do much cleaning and knew that Laura was right. He was of course nose-blind to his own stink.
Theo turned on the ignition, but after short revving and a screech, it failed to start the engine. His ignition had been giving him some problems lately, and he had been planning to take the car to the mechanic. Again, he had not foreseen Laura sitting in his car.
- Shit looks like I left the light on, he said - I’m such an idiot.
- Oh. That sucks, said Laura. – So, we can’t leave?
- I’m sorry, said Theo, - I’m going to have to call the road service to help me out here.
- Oh, that sucks. Well, I wouldn’t mind sticking around, but I really need to get back home like an hour ago to prepare for work tomorrow.
- I understand. Why don’t you grab a ride from Lennon while they are still there?
- Okay, said Laura. She gave Theo a hug and got out of the car. – Hope it gets fixed soon!
As Laura got back into the Lexus with Lennon and Pauly, Lennon rolled down his window and asked:
- What happened brother?
- Man, my car battery died. You guys go right ahead, I’ll wait for the road service.
- Dude, I got booster cables in the trunk! Lennon begin to step out of the car, but Theo stopped him.
- Won’t help, man, trust me, said Theo, - The battery needs a stronger boost from the big tow truck. It would just kill your battery too if you tried to give me a boost. I know my car. You guys just go ahead.
It took some more convincing, but Lennon got back in his car and the three of them drove off. Theo was left alone in the dark parking lot that at this point was almost deserted. He got out of the car and lit a cigarette in the blue silence of the city at night.
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2020.10.27 06:27 sagiren16 Some things I used to think were normal.

This is probably going to be really long, at times upsetting, and unstructured as I'm just typing as the memories come to me. Very few people know exactly what I went through, and this has a lot to do with me not believing that what I went through is really that bad, and me feeling like talking about it is attention-seeking.
One of my earliest memories is of my parents' fistfighting. I was probably three or four because my sister was around. Leaning toward four because she was walking. I could tell the whole story as my parents described it later, but honestly, it doesn't matter. Dad came home drunk and angry, mom was mouthing off, they fought each other and mom won.
I also remember being around that age and mom chasing me around for some reason. I think I did something wrong. I already knew to be scared of her, so I don't think it's the first time she hurt me. But this time when she caught up to me she reached around my head and hit me in the mouth hard enough to draw blood. I doubt whatever I did as a toddler warranted a busted lip. I then remember her being pissed off that I was crying about it and angrily shoving a wet rag onto my lip, which hurt even more.
I showed signs of some sort of mild mental disability(?) or something. I was intelligent, I spoke, I walked, I understood and learned. But I was very socially awkward, and I rocked, walked in circles, and flailed my arms. Instead of taking me to see someone about it, she'd just yell at me to stop, and threaten to take me to "a head doctor" and "make me a zombie". This continued well into my teen years because I did not stop. Doing those things calmed me down and helped me think/imagine. I did them automatically. Eventually, I got a lot better at hiding it and that's it. So I don't know what was up. Maybe if I had seen someone I would have had an easier childhood.
I was a sickly child. I got strep throat at least twice a year until well into my teens, even after I had my tonsils removed, and then there were other times I had a bad cold or flu. I vomited a lot. In fact, my whole house knew hours ahead of time if I was going to vomit. I would wake up with a fever, a sore throat, a headache and/or earache, and a sour tummy. My mom would always send me to school anyway. Something about my school, who knew I was very often sick, wouldn't believe I was really sick if mom kept me home that day. So she'd send me to school to suffer at my desk for an hour, sometimes two, with an upset stomach. My teachers were always ready for these days. They'd sit me in the corner away from other kids with a trashcan nearby, and hand me a packet of saltine crackers, tell me to lay my head down and wait. And so I did. I'd wait at my desk until I felt the vomit coming. And then I could barely react, often missing the trashcan entirely, sometimes getting it all over myself, and have to go wait in the nurse's office for my mom to get me and take me to the doctor or home. I don't know if there really was a policy or not but I'd think she would have fought that knowing I was often so sick. And it wasn't like I was failing or something.
Prior to ten years old, I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have any chores, I didn't learn how to cook. I was barely allowed to dress on my own. My mother worked at the school my sister and I went to so we never had a moment without her. Total helicopter parent. Then she almost died and was left partially disabled. She got a lot better (not 100%) but the first few years were rough. We had to do everything and didn't know how because we never had to. We were lost about interacting with people in school because she used to do it for us. She thinks I started to resent her during that time because she "changed". And sure, it was hard. And sure, I was angry. But I was also heading into my tween years, you know? Puberty, middle school, first crushes. I'd also gone through a traumatic event and stepped up as mom in her stead. I was having trouble, but I wasn't resentful. I understood her thinking so, at least at first. But I realized every time I did something wrong it was always because she got sick. It was never because I'm a dumb teenager, or because she was an awful parent, or because sometimes things just happen. It was always because she got sick. It was like everything I did was purposely done to spite her, and she got extra pity points by reminding everyone that she got sick.
Every single thing I do or go through, no matter how private, she tells everyone. Usually, it's bragging or neutral, like talking with grandma about what I'm supposed to be doing that weekend or telling her friends I wrote a new song. But it would also often be something I did wrong. Not that we always agreed on what was wrong. Yes, I did some insanely dumb things like dating a stranger online that was blatantly ten years older than he said. But she would also consider my just openly being bisexual to be wrong. But her philosophy was, if I'm embarrassed for everyone to know about it, I shouldn't have done it. So things like losing my virginity or struggling with self-harm were broadcast to anyone that would listen. And those things should have stayed private and been handled quietly and with compassion. Random adults shouldn't know about my sex life or my scars, especially as a kid.
Lectures. My parents have put their hands on me, but not often or consistently. In fact, my mother often told me stories about her own childhood that illustrated severe physical and sexual abuses that she endured. She then compared it to what she did to us and made us feel bad for complaining about it or thinking it was out of line because she'd never subjected us to pure torture before. But if we ever crossed her, even something insignificant like a dumb siblings spat, we'd have to sit down for a lecture. This involved going into the living room, dining room, or kitchen, and sitting down for a "chat". Once we chose or spot we were not allowed to move for any reason unless we were told to. We were not allowed to speak unless told to. We were to give yes ma'am and no ma'am answers unless told otherwise. All of our answers were wrong. She'd start out calmly and quickly fly into a rage and then reign herself back in. She'd keep going back or forth at a moment's notice. Then she'd cry and be sad to make us feel guilty, trying to figure out how she failed as a mother. Her lectures lasted hours, and you left exhausted, stressed, and feeling like shit. She'd yell at you about fidgeting, even though sitting or standing in one spot for long periods of time can be painful. And we weren't allowed to go to the bathroom without asking, which often made her angrier and she would time you in there and listen to hear if you were crying. Often these lectures were about late school assignments, which ironically cut into the time we had to finish them and left us too tired to function at school the next day. She would be mad for weeks. And you best believe she still remembers everything I did wrong and brings it up to me often.
I wasn't really allowed to have friends over very often or go over to someone else's house. The family was allowed but not friends. As such, I experienced a lot more "peer pressure" to drink or try drugs from my own parents than my friends. I never caved as a child, but I do partake responsibly now as an adult.
My parents talk about their sex life in front of us. Mom likes to tell a lot of dirty jokes, and sometimes would grope female friends or family members in front of us as a "joke." They seemed okay with this, but we were kids and even if they were okay with it, that's weird to do in front of kids. Mom also would and still sometimes does grab or pinch our ass or tits "as a joke". Even when we express discomfort she replies "I made you."
When I struggled with self-harm, my mother treated me like I was insulting her or something. Her first instinct was to yell at and ground me. I was severely depressed. Around this time I would also see dark entities. Now, whether you believe in the supernatural or not, something was wrong, and I needed help. Looking back it could easily have been a hallucination from depression and insomnia, or sleep paralysis. But she was 100% certain they were demons and told me it was my fault for being depressed. That I was attracting them there.
When I lost my virginity and my parents found out because I might have been pregnant, my father reacted by threatening to kill me, beating the trashcan with a baseball bat, pinning me against the wall and threatening to throw me out, threatening to beat me if I was pregnant, throwing me across the room chair and all, and finally, paddling me. They then threatened to report it as a rape, went to his house to confront and threaten him, and told me I wasn't allowed to see him under any circumstances, even if I was pregnant with his kid. It turned out I was not, but rumors got around the school saying I was and was going to keep him away from his kid. When nine months came and went and there was no kid, rumors spread again that I'd had an abortion and I lost a lot of friends.
I wasn't allowed to have a job while I was under 18, but mom kept hounding me about getting one and then stopping me when she saw me applying to jobs. She'd drive me to interviews but told me to tell them I didn't have transportation because she said she wouldn't take me to the job. That made getting a job significantly harder for me later on.
Yes, until the last few years, I did think that those things were normal. And I do still live with my parents, although I'm finally on my feet enough to move out soon. I'm also engaged and trying for a baby on purpose this time, going to college, and working two jobs. I've never been to jail, I'm not into drugs. I think I'm doing alright. Therapy helps. Forcing myself to be open and honest and have friends is hard but also helpful.
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2020.10.27 05:25 Rohan2799 Break happened 5years ago from which I couldn't move till this date.

My break up happened 5years ago.. So this was my first love in school I was a bit more mature as we were in 7th grade (not the typical school childish liking towards a girl). I kinda started to have feelings for her. Whenever she used to be in my sight my heart used to beat much faster than usual as if it was trying to she is the one, I never had such feelings for any girls in my peer unlike other boys who would date 2 girls a month. I used to mingle around her all day at some point it became so convinient that our teacher made us sit together on one bench. Every lecture I would keep looking at her and kept admiring her how pretty she was. My feelings for her started to grow stronger and stronger day by day but suddenly don't remember what actually went wrong on some random day she never spoke to me untill we were in 10th grade, I tried my level to get attention in 8th and 9th grade nothing happened untill one of her friend volunteered in 10th grade also I remember the date and time when we again patched up (2nd Nov 2015 /12:30am). It was my lucky cause my love was taking to me I was the happiest person out there. Next few months were the best days in my life like we used to chat every time even I was so open minded I used to say I love you to her in front of the entire class. She drew my science diagrams once when she was absent I wrote an entire English essay book and submitted to teacher telling it was her book she gave me to submit it.... We used to share tiffins one day I remember she with her own hand fed my some food (it's surprising cause in India its an uncommon thing) I never expected that. We used to walk in campus together holding her hand atleast for few minutes on some day I kissed on her cheek it is my life long memory.. Things went smooth then declining I tried to understand was very respectful towards so was she.. But something I said which meant different and she took another meaning of it and got angry on me,then too I was patient and did not utter a single word later I tried to make her understand what I actually meant but untill then it was all over for her, I was so depressed I wrote around 12 pages what happened between us right from the sweetest memory to memory to analyse where it went wrong in her memory, I want able to concentrate for months cause love was not over for her school ended for me on a sad note but still I was in hope that things will get alright now we are friends it's been around 4.5 years since our school ended.. One day she called me at night after 4 years she was in tears, crying she was caught up in some problem we talked for around 2hrs 11 minutes I tried my level best to make her feel that I will be always besides her untill I die. Also when she called me I was shocked and felt good here from her cause the girl I love till date called me..
Today ➡ Things are pretty much stable between us we ate friends now but there's a corner in my heart where all the memories about my first love are stored. Update ➡ we don't meet much but I still love her I'm single till today cause I never had that feelings for any girl ever after, also I never had the habit of staring at other girls in my college, I felt like I should stay committed to whom 'I LOVE' by keeping in mind that one day we will be united also she doesn't hate me or has blocked me social we have normal chat and all nicely .. I love you Neha till date will be in your touch and will be supporting you till I die. ❤️❤️
submitted by Rohan2799 to heartbreak [link] [comments]


2020.10.27 01:05 Fluid_Fox_6109 Me(17F) and my boyfriend (18M) are in a long distance relationship for almost a year. I ask him for simple things that eventually turn into huge fights and he promises to do them but never does them. It makes me feel like he doesn't care, I need advice on whether to stay with him or find a way out.

So I've been dating my boyfriend for close to a year (11 months). He and I are long distance since he is in college and I am graduating this year. He's met my parents and I have met his and the relationship has been fairly good overall. We are both in love with each other and have tried to keep the relationship fresh and interesting since he's about 21 hours away from me. He's incredibly nice to me, handsome, sweet, and has helped me through a lot of trauma that still regresses. However, there have been certain points in our relationship that have affected it greatly.
About a few months into our relationship we decided to switch snapchat's for fun, as a way to dig dirt playfully (maybe find an embarrassing picture or two) we were both down and thought it would be fun, since we wouldn't think we'd find anything on either's account. I don't know how but a girls username popped out to me and out of pure curiosity i clicked on it. Seeing her send pictures to him that were seeming flirty and Christmas lists they had shared with each other made my blood boil but I kept silent about it. He questioned what was wrong and I didn't really reply, but my anger emphasized when he deleted the chat. I questioned him and we argued for hours and cried for hours till he said she was obsessed with him and he didn't want me to worry so that's why he deleted it. He said the only flirtacious thing that was said was that he called her pretty when she asked but supposedly was begrudging about it (but I wouldn't know for certain because he never had any chats saved). I've gotten past that and what not but he's lied to me about small things since then, for instance saying I cant order him anything because he can only pay on his school card for food, which I caught him on when he mentioned a month later that his dad paid for a meal of his one time.
Other lies have been of him saying he wasn't sleeping when he very clearly was. Him and I have a huge problem with him falling asleep for hours since we both have school and work and don't have time together except nights. Last night he slept the entire day, (18 hours). Him and I end up sleeping together on the phone most nights so I know it's not for lack of sleep. I've asked him time and time again for about 4-5 months to try and fix this problem because its abnormal, even causing him to miss most classes. I am extremely hurt over it and when we argue over it, it gets to be too much and I think he ends up gas lighting me but I'm not sure. I don't want to continue this if it'll end up abusive or toxic, but I really love him. I've tried communicating with him about fixing it, literally begging when it gets to a certain point and each time he says he promises, yet immediately breaks it the next day.
After a few months it gets super tiring and I can't take it anymore, I feel like more of a mother than a girlfriend trying to wake him up for school and I feel depressed over not being able to communicate with him for months. So that on top of trust issues he's given me over lying is starting to be too much. I don't know what to do anymore, i've just booked a weekend for my birthday for me and him at Disney and have planned next month for him to come down (was just known this morning that he can't come because he found out his finals are next month after we've been planning this for 4 months). I am fully ready to continue a long term relationship no matter the stress, however issues like this make it seem like it's too much. I need help knowing whether or not this relationship is worth it and if it is, what advice can anyone give to help me work at this relationship to make it long lasting.
submitted by Fluid_Fox_6109 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.27 00:34 Tohoku_Tonya Red String of Fate

Don't use my mobile posted stories.
Story time:
There's a belief that your soulmate and you are tied together by the Red String of Fate. It might take years or decades or centuries spanned out across multiple reincarnations, but that Red String will lead you to your soulmate.
Maybe through a family friend. Maybe it's that girl you saw once at a shop that you can't forget the face of so you go back every day in hopes of seeing her again. Maybe that boy you sit next to in your intro to English class your first day of college. Maybe that person from high school geometry that you think is the most beautiful person in the world. Somehow, you will find them.
Mine was found through a childhood dream to visit Japan. The plan was to come for a year and then go back to get my teaching degree. I haven't left yet.
To be honest, I found him using an app because I was horny. I won't lie; I wasn't looking for anything more than a one night stand.
But he was... Charming and funny and kind and so very observant. He still is.
Within the 3rd date, I'd met his parents. He met mine over a video chat. My dad said that he could tell right away that they weren't getting me back. My family has a history of going over seas and finding our SOs. My Aunt is even from Japan and went to America. It was from her that I got the idea to go to Japan. My paternal grandmother was from Italy, maternal grandfather from Germany, maternal great grandparents from Norway and Sweden. So my parents weren't surprised. A little sad, but not surprised.
For the first year, my SO and I mostly communicated through Google translate. It was not easy. I'm pretty adept at it now, but that first year was... Complex. He spoke no English, and my Japanese was similar to a 2 year old, but we put in the work. He didn't leave when I told him darker things about my ex. He didn't leave when we had our first big fight, and he was over the moon when we wound up pregnant.
He has been kind, hard working, loving, attentive, and just right for me. I wouldn't want a Snow White perfect relationship: that would be boring, but he is perfect for me.
I'm very confident that I found who my string is tied to. Because I really couldn't explain our relationship any other way. 🙂💕
submitted by Tohoku_Tonya to JustYESSO [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 23:43 Octopussi25 My bf wants to kick our friend out of our mutual friend group, I’m worried that kicking him out because of something the friend did to me is too harsh

Trigger Warning; sexual assault
I have known both of them since high school, was friends with the friend in the title during high school but didn’t really talk to my now bf back then. My friend, we will call FR, and I would often sit at the lunch table together but kind of lost touch for a year and then started hanging out again in Fall 2019. I will call my bf, B, and then I will call him BF when we started dating. Also one other friend SF may come up.
That time went like this: FR’s girlfriend broke up with him. FR starts reaching out to a group chat we are both in. FR and I start hanging out one on one. FR asks me to be fwb.
At this time I was single and kind of gained a ‘might as well’ mentality about sex, I shouldn’t have agreed to the fwb but I did. FR also wanted to keep it a secret, so besides us two and SF, we were the only people who knew.
That was going well for a while, and it went from November 1st till January 10th. I had started getting uncomfortable with the fwb and was going to end it myself at the time but FR got a crush on one of my friends so he ended it there. After that crush ended, I elaborated that I didn’t want to continue the fwb either way.
The main issue happened on my 21st birthday, I got very drunk as you do. I had FR pick me up and drive me to a mutual friend’s house so the three of us could hangout without me awkwardly being drunk at my parents place. The whole night I was blacking out and could barely walk, I was speaking like a broken record at points. I eventually came to a bit but was ready to pass out at this mutual friend’s place so I had FR drive me back home.
FR took me back up to my room and being drunk and exhausted I just wanted to cuddle. At some point I kissed him, he kissed me back. He never said no, never tried to push me off, and I eventually blew him all while still very very drunk.
There was one other night where I had had some drinks earlier that he knew about, I wasn’t completely inebriated but I was at least tipsy where we had sex. Since the details are foggy on this one I don’t feel too weird about this one. The next offense that I would consider suspicious was on a weekend where we visited SF. FR and I had to share a bed together because of where we were staying, I was very drunk and had been passing out earlier, and he started to make out with me. Only stopping after SF walked in at some point, SF didn’t say anything but it was enough for FR to stop.
I didn’t know what to think about any of these experiences, FR was one of my best friends and at the time I was mainly giving him the benefit of the doubt. I had no idea what I would have done in any of those situations and I didn’t think it was worth ruining our or our mutual friendships over. I can also say that I unfortunately had/have a pattern of continuing to be friends with someone after they sexually assaulted me; this wasn’t a new thing for me to not say anything and he knew about those other times.
I don’t quite remember when but at the start of 2020, B started hanging out with FR and a group of friends that we had. Pretty much every week until the start of the pandemic, FR, B, me, and about five other people would all meet up at IHOP. Then the pandemic started and for the months of March through early June, I pretty much went MIA. I still talked to FR and SF, but not B.
Then in June I turned things around after having the worst hangover of my life and agreed to start hanging out with people again. I started hanging out with B again at this point. With SF leaving for college, SF, B, FR, and I all started hanging out as much as we could before the end of August. It was during this time B got a crush on me. Eventually SF left for college and FR, B, and I would hang out a couple times a week until recently.
B asked me out on October 1st. I was worried he would be upset by my past with FR but I also didn’t want to break the secret that it was supposed to be, so I kind of alluded to it as best as I could. B told me that FR had already told him and that he was fine with it. So then we agreed to go out.
The other night however, I got black out drunk and had BF pick me up and drive me around. Apparently during this I told him about all those nights with FR where I was drunk and BF became very upset with FR.
BF says he doesn’t feel comfortable being friends with someone who would do something like that, which I completely understand. I however have a bit of a problem with BF wanting to tell all of our mutual friends. For me, FR made a dumb mistake and made it a couple more times because he never thought I held an issue with it because I never said anything.
I feel like I should have said something earlier if it was such an issue. I feel like I’m not worth fighting over like this especially not breaking up a group that have been friends since high school. I feel awkward being the girl that started dating one of the friends only to immediately start drama.
So my questions are this: Is that considered sexual assault what FR did? Is it enough of a mistake to tell all of our friends? Is it enough of a mistake to kick FR out of our friend group? What should I do next?
submitted by Octopussi25 to AskWomenOver30 [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 22:52 DaughtersofPleione 24 [M4F] Midwest - Tired of sifting, thought I'd throw my line this time.

Hey there!
I've sifted through posts before and thrown a few messages around, but struggle to find what I'm looking for–and thought I'd put forth some effort first this time! I thought about trying to make this witty and attention grabbing, but ultimately decided to just be forthright (admittedly my wit tends to catch up hours later anyway, once the moment has passed).
Also, please use direct messaging! Not the chat function!
Pre-postscript: Damn, I just finished writing this, and I apologise in advance for those who suffer through to the end!
E: Atrocious attempts at formatting...
First let's get right to it, so any one that is looking for something else can move on. Ultimately I'm looking for something long-term/sincere. As such, I'd love to meet someone I can be best friends with–I want to be able to rely on someone and be relied upon through a formed connection. I tend to not grow a romantic interest in someone until I've befriended them, and that's often not been a successful route to developing a relationship beyond friendship. Though, that's not too say I won't be attracted to someone initially, just that I want to approach a relationship with intention.
So with that in mind I, of course, hope to be able to take this beyond the internet! It'd be great if you were also in the Midwest. Though, I'd enjoy getting to know you online for sometime!
And now that I feel I've thoroughly whined about my dating woes, I suppose I should give you some context about me: * You can browse through my history to learn a bit more. I mostly lurk though, so the bit that is there isn't a great representation. * As you'd find on there, I've recently been getting really into aquarium keeping! It's become my favorite hobby, and I love setting up new tanks and just watching my fish. * Many other hobbies of mine are pretty typical nerdy shit. Shocker, right? D&D, MTG, LotR, reading fantasy, etc., etc. * Personal growth is important to me. I enjoy having discussions on and learning about the human experience, and find a lot of value in being as eclectic as I can. Personally, my values and worldview lie somewhere between optimistic nihilism and modern buddhism. * My current life struggle involves my long-term careejob desires. I dropped out of college after 2.5 years, after switching majors a multitude of times and not being able to feel comfortable settling on what I wanted. I'd love to go back, but that's still a work in progress. I could devolve into a whole monologue at this story. * I do use cannabis, though it's certainly not a part of my personality. I know that's a deal breaker for some. I don't care about your usage, but my using it shouldn't be a problem for you. * For the most part, I'm quite pliable and able to make happy friends with just about anyone. If you're absolutely bubbling over with excitement about whatever it is you're talking about, I'll be interested and engaged. It's so amazing all the different things someone might be passionate about! * I'm rarely serious, but I'm always sincere. * For those that like Meyers-Briggs, I'm an INFP-A. But please don't treat it like a horoscope or some categorizer. It's a tool. * Physically, I'm a bit over 6ft, dirty blonde curly hair, glasses, a few tattoos, goatee, and of an average to skinnier weight. I'm not particularly active, though not out of a dislike for it. I also have a pretty damn deep voice (admittedly I'm a little self indulgent about it, since besides that, I'm not stereotypically masculine for the most part).
I've touched on it already, but a little more on what I'm looking for:
Whew! Alllllllrighty then! I think that's enough for now. Thanks to those of you who stuck around, I realize this post wasn't a bastion of entertainment. Drop me a line if you think you could put up with more walls of text! Even through messages I prefer to hold a whole conversation, and not just exchange 1-2 liners back and forth.
submitted by DaughtersofPleione to r4r [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 21:51 gogolmogol I (29M) haven’t seen my fiancée (29F) in 10 months. Losing my mind.

Met in college, and dated for about a year before her student visa expired. Did long distance for 5 years, seeing each other 3 times per year, for a combined 2 months in per year together.
We try to video chat daily, but her work schedule is extreme so it’s not always possible, even on the weekends. This just adds to the pile, honestly.
Got engaged a year ago. She was supposed to be transferred to my country by her job this past September, but then COVID hit and all that is cancelled.
We submitted her fiancée visa application instead, but that’s going to take many more months too, to get processed.
No chance if seeing each other, anytime soon. Her country takes COVID extremely seriously, so she can’t return home to her life if she leaves. My country doesn’t take it seriously at all, making the actions of her country more understandable.
How do you all cope after being apart for this long? Seriously, 10 months, with no end in sight, at least not until middle of next year. Longest we’ve gone before was 5 months, but that at least had a final date to look forward to.
I had some breakdowns over this during the summer when it became obvious how long this would all take. I started up taking flying lessons to become a pilot, as a hobby. Things like this helped a lot (staying busy with things that interest me), but everyday is still such a huge struggle.
TLDR: haven’t seen my fiancée in 10 months. Losing my mind. Any suggestions?
submitted by gogolmogol to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 20:50 ThrowRA_username7 Me (23M) and my exgf (22F) are currently really close friends, but I see it as much more

This started about 4 years ago during a summer when I was 19 and she was 18. I had been working at the job for about 4 years at that point and she had just started. I kind of remember seeing her for the first time and having one of those 'wow' moments. I didn't really try to act on it at all, but over time, people started to push me to talk to her. So we talk a little bit sometimes. Probably good to mention that she was in a relationship a few weeks or so before we ended up meeting and my understanding is he was pretty awful to her. We go out with a group and its crazy awkward. Nonetheless, we both decide to try again with just us and see how so that goes. Much much better. We continue dating for a bit and things are pretty great. We do some dumb stuff together but lots of fun. I also lost my virginity to her at some point through this.
End of summer comes around, we had been dating for like 2 months and we are off to college far apart. She is a freshmen and goes out to parties and such, but doesn't handle her alcohol very well. Blacks out on various occasions and generally not always good decisions. I am semi haunted by a previous time in my life so when she tells me how many guys come up to her, I constantly have this concern that she is getting crazy drunk and am worried that things could either happen to her, or she does things and doesn't remember them happening (which did happen on a number of occasions but nothing too bad). I also start to learn about a lot of the struggles she is going through. Generally just a lot of mental insecurity that put her in a pretty bad place. I really wanted to help her all this time, but she wasn't totally in the place to take it so I tried as much as I knew how. After 2 months of school, we decide I will fly down to see her. We split the cost, but I don't have the money so I beg people to loan it to me because I really care about getting this opportunity to see her. I get the money, go down, and we both love getting to see each other even though I know there's the stuff going on bothering her in her head. Shortly after, she breaks up with me because she doesn't wanna drag me down with her. I am pretty beat up and take on some poor habits to cope. Much worse than any other break up. There was something about all of this that from the first time we went out, I always felt something different towards her than any other relationship. I can't handle seeing her name pop up in my life because it reminds me of that different feeling I always had with her, so I block her in every virtual aspect I can.
Some months later, I met someone new and found my now exgf had started with someone shortly after we broke up. I'm happy with my new girl, but exgf and I work together again over the summer and decide we wanna try and hangout as friends a few times. I unblock her for the summer and don't tell my new gf about anything. Although, exgf is still constantly in my head. I definitely miss the special feeling I had with her, but am missing now and pretend its nothing. I also learn that she got help for all of the struggles she was having before and I'm elated to hear that she was able to turn everything around. This all works fine. We mildly express missing each other but have our new people. She gets really upset that I took my new gf to one of our old spots we had because it was apparently special to just me and her and shed never take her new bf there and taint what we had. Another night she is drunk and snapchats me how much she misses seeing my face and other things, then apologizes the next day and gets very sad and I take her out for food to help console her. Later I find that if I would have tried to make a move, things would have been rekindled, but I didn't have any intention of taking advantage of her vulnerable moment. At the end of the summer, I accept its time to move on and block her again.
Two years later (last year), I am still with the same girl, but things aren't really exciting anymore and I'm just kinda content rather than happy. Exgf continues to pop in my head time to time as part of me certainly misses her and knows I always felt more for her than anyone else. I breakdown one night and decide to unblock her and send her a message. She is still with the same guy as well. I really wanna see if there is still some spark with her, but go about it like a fuck boy by trying to just make it a small fling to see what happens. She knows whats happening and plays very safe and never hangs out with me, which I totally respect because I was very much in the wrong and regret considering cheating. But we do talk a bit about life and I remember how much I miss getting to talk to her. My new gf and I graduate school, go separate ways and things don't work out for much longer. I tell exgf because she has a way of making me feel better overall that I wasn't gonna find somewhere else. We stop talking after around Christmas until Covid.
Now with Covid, we started texting again over the summer and I learn that she stopped talking to me because a lot of shit went wrong in her life. We talk about our lives and she mentions how much I have changed since we dated and I've been told this by many others before her. Kind of going from a caring person that wants the best for everyone around me to lacking emotion. I start to learn how much I changed (between her and other friends) and begin to hate who I have changed to after being with the one girl for so long. I work to become the person I used to be and start by trying to "relearn" having emotions. So I open up to exgf because I still feel more comfortable talking to her than anyone else in my life. As this continues, I start to see the old me coming back and start dropping some of the bad habits I've picked up over the years. We video chat like an hour every day now talking about nearly everything in our lives no matter how deep the conversation. At this point, we are mutually very close friends. As I begin to open up again, I start to realize how much I really loved about her and how different I always felt around her. I start to realize what the feelings I have felt over the years towards her really were. It starts to really get to me because I care so much about her and really want to rekindle things. Though I do not want to ruin what she has now, let alone put her through that pain. I care more about her being happy than having that chance with her. I end up telling her everything I feel towards her and how I've felt over the past few years. She feels similarly but not the same extent I do and tries to rationalize that I miss something else, like the memories of us or some other part that isn't actually her. She also has her guy and wouldn't throw that out for me and her, which I wouldn't expect. Nothing changes after this conversation. I try to adopt various mentalities such as its not her that I miss, or that I can't lose being close friends with her now, or whatever else. But none of that works. The fact of the matter is I love her and keeping her in my life. I really hate seeing her with someone else and have had a few times where I drink excessively to deal with it and she would call to help calm me down. It's also good to note that we pretty much snapchat all day long, rely on each other for emotional support, and have all but a scheduled call with each other daily. So over the past 2 weeks or so, any time she gets drunk, she gets crazy flirty with me. Naturally, I do it back as that's who I am and also what I really want. Usually she apologizes for it when sober, but we throw it up to us being naturally flirty. I also learn from her that she certainly has moments where she thinks about what could have happened between us if things were different. She also told me she still loved me, but as a close friend, not the love we used to have. Over the weekend, she got really drunk and talked about how she still dreams of us doing things together and some crazy levels of flirting. About 3 hours after she passed our, she calls me crying and hyperventilating about how she can't remember what we talked about the night before and how guilty she feels. I tell her everything to help calm her down and she feels alot better and acknowledges nearly everything she said as being true. We end up talking from 4am until 10am without any break in conversation ranging from how I feel about her or vice versa to anything else. She also expressed a concern that she is using me because I am willing to call her late at night, and pick up 4 am phone calls from her, since I still love her as opposed to just wanting to be a good friend. I tell her that's what I'd do for anyone and its not just her. I pretty much lie because I want to continue being there for her because I care so much about her happiness and it makes me happy to see her doing so well. Along with these calls, she sometimes reminisces on our old dates and when its time to goto bed, she sometimes asks me to tell her a story to help her fall asleep and how much she loves the way I say goodnight to her. Part of the issue with all of this, is that her bf knows that we talk. But definitely doesn't know even a fraction of the extent of what we talk about and how deep our conversations can be. At this point, I just feel like there is so much about her that I love and I know so many of her flaws and really just look past all of them. I know what I would love is to have that chance to really show her how I feel about her, but I try to be realistic and acknowledge that's not feasible.
So at this point, I am just really confused. I can't imagine that this is a common scenario for a "close friend". She expressed that she is happy in her relationship, but we have also openly expressed that what we have is basically a relationship. I pretty much treat it like one, but one day I have to accept that this is the way things are. We are quite literally closer now than 4 years ago. My question comes down to, what is the best way for me to move on (if I even should?) from this knowing how close and emotionally invested I have become in her? Why does it feel like there is so much going on between me and her than just being close friends? Is there any reason to hang on and see if there really is a chance of a future together?
tl;dr
Girl and I dated 4 years ago and really hit things off. Broke up because she was going through a lot. Both found new people and I kept her out of my life mostly as I still felt a strong connection to her even throughout a 2.5 year relationship with someone else. Started talking again recently, and we are super close now. Texting/Snapping all day then video calls every night. Usually very deep conversation and deeply caring about the other. Not sure what to think since she is still with the same guy.
submitted by ThrowRA_username7 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 19:47 Rohan2799 My first love.

My break up happened 5years ago.. So this was my first love in school I was a bit more mature as we were in 7th grade (not the typical school childish liking towards a girl). I kinda started to have feelings for her. Whenever she used to be in my sight my heart used to beat much faster than usual as if it was trying to she is the one, I never had such feelings for any girls in my peer unlike other boys who would date 2 girls a month. I used to mingle around her all day at some point it became so convinient that our teacher made us sit together on one bench. Every lecture I would keep looking at her and kept admiring her how pretty she was. My feelings for her started to grow stronger and stronger day by day but suddenly don't remember what actually went wrong on some random day she never spoke to me untill we were in 10th grade, I tried my level to get attention in 8th and 9th grade nothing happened untill one of her friend volunteered in 10th grade also I remember the date and time when we again patched up (2nd Nov 2015 /12:30am). It was my lucky cause my love was taking to me I was the happiest person out there. Next few months were the best days in my life like we used to chat every time even I was so open minded I used to say I love you to her in front of the entire class. She drew my science diagrams once when she was absent I wrote an entire English essay book and submitted to teacher telling it was her book she gave me to submit it.... We used to share tiffins one day I remember she with her own hand fed my some food (it's surprising cause in India its an uncommon thing) I never expected that. We used to walk in campus together holding her hand atleast for few minutes on some day I kissed on her cheek it is my life long memory.. Things went smooth then declining I tried to understand was very respectful towards so was she.. But something I said which meant different and she took another meaning of it and got angry on me,then too I was patient and did not utter a single word later I tried to make her understand what I actually meant but untill then it was all over for her, I was so depressed I wrote around 12 pages what happened between us right from the sweetest memory to memory to analyse where it went wrong in her memory, I want able to concentrate for months cause love was not over for her school ended for me on a sad note but still I was in hope that things will get alright now we are friends it's been around 4.5 years since our school ended.. One day she called me at night after 4 years she was in tears, crying she was caught up in some problem we talked for around 2hrs 11 minutes I tried my level best to make her feel that I will be always besides her untill I die. Also when she called me I was shocked and felt good here from her cause the girl I love till date called me..
Today ➡ Things are pretty much stable between us we ate friends now but there's a corner in my heart where all the memories about my first love are stored. Update ➡ we don't meet much but I still love her I'm single till today cause I never had that feelings for any girl ever after, also I never had the habit of staring at other girls in my college, I felt like I should stay committed to whom 'I LOVE' by keeping in mind that one day we will be united also she doesn't hate me or has blocked me social we have normal chat and all nicely .. I love you Neha till date will be in your touch and will be supporting you till I die. ❤️❤️
submitted by Rohan2799 to BreakUp [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 19:24 halavais Salon F: Always Alone (10/26 - 11/1)

Note that like much of this course, you get a lot of credit for showing up and being thoughtful. That's what I think college should be about. So don't show up to these without having done the readings and the lectures and, importantly, having thought about them and how they intersect with what you already know. But also don't be worried about showing up with your peers in the class and having a conversation. Yes, it's recorded, and yes, I'll review it, but mostly this is like the kind of conversation you might have anyway.
Again, this is an optional assignment, which involves meeting up with your classmates to work through some of the questions this week around anonymity and hacking. There are two roles in this process, you can either be a host (“raconteur”) or a participant. In either case, your first task is to engage with the materials assigned for week 9.
Hosts
If you want to be a host, you have some extra responsibilities. You need to:
  1. Decide on a time and date: It should be sometime before Sunday night.
  2. Post your proposed scheduled time below as a comment.
  3. Assuming a minimum of two people sign on to join you (and no more than four), schedule a zoom meeting. Make sure you are recording the meeting on the server.
  4. At least 24 hours before the meeting, send the link information to these participants through a message on Reddit. Send me an invite at “halavais” as well, in case I am able to drop in. BE SURE TO TURN ON SERVER-BASED VIDEO RECORDING FOR THE SESSION.
  5. During the meeting, ask questions, and make sure that everyone has a chance to participate. Your primary role is as MC: keeping discussion on track and giving everyone a chance to talk. You should try to address at least some of the questions below, but don’t feel like you have to dwell equally on all of them. Some divergence is fine, as long as you keep things generally on the topics at hand.
  6. At the conclusion of the meeting, send me (halavais) a link to the video you have recorded with a password.
DO NOT SHARE YOUR ZOOM LINKS AS A POST, or publicly, as that is likely to result in a zoom bomb. Only share via a private message on Reddit.
Participants
If you want to be a participant, you need to:
  1. Find one of the meetings advertised below, and post a reply indicating you would like to attend. By saying this, you’ve committed to attend the event if it gathers enough participants.
  2. Do not reply/sign on to offerings that already have 4 replies.
  3. Do not reply/sign on to offerings that advertise a meeting within 24 hours.
  4. Make sure to check your messages here on Reddit for the link to the meeting.
  5. Participate in the meeting: everyone there should contribute to the discussion. I know some are trying to be especially anonymous in the class--if that's the case, you are welcome to show up in a mask, or leave video off, though the latter makes interaction a bit less natural, I think. Please make sure the "name" shown on the meeting corresponds either to your real name (as it shows up on my roster) or to your reddit name, so that I can make sure I give credit where due.
During this meeting, you should address (minimally) the following questions (some of which have already been posted):
  1. Has your view of online privacy changed over time? Or has it remained relatively stable? If it has changed, what do you think the triggering events are that made you rethink how you approach privacy?
  2. Likewise, are there certain things you do online that you keep anonymous, and then do you present a public version of yourself? Or multiple versions? How many “yous” are there on the internet?
  3. How important is the bullying issue? Is it just “moral panic” (i.e., are there just some really notorious cases, but in general it’s not a big deal), or is it more widespread? Were you a bully? Were you bullied? Are you either of these now? What do you think might have helped in your personal experience?
  4. If you have been heavily socially distancing, how do you think the pandemic is affecting your ability and interest in engaging with people socially. I’ve seen a bunch of stuff lately on people claiming that Zooms like the one you are in right now generates social anxiety. Obviously, this is a bad sample (since you all volunteered to be here), but do you think the combination of public masking and Zoom interaction is changing people’s comfort levels?
  5. Have you actively sought to remove something from the internet? Do you wish you could?
  6. The big question: is “privacy” even a thing any more?
You should minimally chat for 20 minutes--if you would like to talk longer you are welcome to.
submitted by halavais to netcult [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 18:59 Southern-Primary-593 Date or just friends? (Gay and very anxious!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were home. He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I. I went from being relaxed to feeling pretty nervous.
I don't know whether or not I should define it as a date/ask him or just see how things play out when we're together. I'm so nervous in misinterpreting the intentions and ruining a potential friendship though too. Or maybe getting myself into something unrequited if I don't define. We haven't met officially though so I guess I don't even know! Like I said that's anxiety/OCD though GAHHHH!

submitted by Southern-Primary-593 to socialanxiety [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 18:58 Southern-Primary-593 Date or are we just friends? (Gay and nervous!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were home. He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I.
I don't know whether or not I should define it as a date/ask him or just see how things play out when we're together. I'm so nervous in misinterpreting the intentions and ruining a potential friendship though too. Or maybe getting myself into something unrequited if I don't define. We haven't met officially though so I guess I don't even know! Like I said that's anxiety/OCD though GAHHHH!
submitted by Southern-Primary-593 to OnlineDating [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 18:48 Southern-Primary-593 Gah Date or just friends? (gay and very anxious!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. He also seems to be a bit shy. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were both home (I have yet to meet him in person we've just talked over from march till now and commented on one another instagrams). He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I. GAHH I went from being relaxed to feeling pretty nervous.
I don't know whether or not I should define it as a date/ask him or just see how things play out when we're together. I'm so nervous in misinterpreting the intentions and ruining a potential friendship though too. Or maybe getting myself into something unrequited if I don't define. We haven't met officially though so I guess I don't even know! Like I said that's anxiety/OCD though GAHHHH! also we are both twenty!
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2020.10.26 18:43 Southern-Primary-593 Gahh is this a date or just friends? (gay and anxious!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were home. He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I. GAHH I went from being relaxed to feeling pretty nervous.
I don't know whether or not I should define it as a date/ask him or just see how things play out when we're together. I'm so nervous in misinterpreting the intentions and ruining a potential friendship though too. Or maybe getting myself into something unrequited if I don't define. We haven't met officially though so I guess I don't even know! Like I said that's anxiety/OCD though GAHHHH! Also we are both twenty!

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2020.10.26 18:42 Southern-Primary-593 Gahh date or just friends (gay and nervous!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were home. He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I. GAHH I went from being relaxed to feeling pretty nervous and don’t wanna place myself in a headspace that may be incorrect what do you all suggest I do (having ADHD/OCD sucks haha)? We are both twenty.
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2020.10.26 18:21 Southern-Primary-593 Is this a date or a friend situation? (gay and very nervous!)

Okay a bit nervous here! So recently I’ve de-tangled myself/emotions from a 7-8 month what would best bet described as a “situationship”.
Even though I’ve sworn off dating, dating-apps, Grindr, etc. for quite a bit of time to rediscover myself, continuing to build a relationship with myself a bump in the road may have occurred (as much as I want to ignore it). I’ve recently found my self developing a small crush on a college friend of a friend from High school of mine. Him and I had chatted loosely as friends on instagram since around March. He was physically the guy I’d dreamed of. Tall, toned body, kind brown eyes, nice smile and nice blend of feminine and masculine expression. Overtime we’d chat / get into more real discussions about philosophy, gender, sociology, etc. These things were a surprising to me/ moving. I liked his perspective on things and curiosity to learn further. I even suggested a few videos/articles to him which he read and we discussed. This was the thing that made me develop the crush.
I told myself that guys that look like him are never really into me (my insecurity to deal with) so it’s best I don’t imagine any other possibilities. I told our mutual friend how sweet I thought he was and she let me know he “raves about you.” He also commented “beautiful” on one of my Instagram photos. He uses heart emojis / smiley emojis with hearts when he texts me and It also seems like he has a playful/goofy side to him. I also appreciate/ trust that he is friends with my friend. Regardless of all of this I’m trying to refrain from any assumptions about the way he or I feel before meeting up but my curiousness prevails me. Admittedly I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic though. He could just he very sweet / being friendly it’s hard to know when you’re gay. And I don’t wanna get caught up in a situation like the one I was in previously.
While I am in a different state currently he/ my friend go to college in the state I am from and him and I asked to meet up with him when we were home. He agreed enthusiastically (over text) and I asked what he’d like to do and he suggested lunch in town. My question is he hasn’t defined if we’re just friends hanging out / if its a “date” and neither have I. GAHH I went from being relaxed to feeling pretty nervous.
I don't know whether or not I should define it as a date/ask him or just see how things play out when we're together. I'm so nervous in misinterpreting the intentions and ruining a potential friendship though too. Or maybe getting myself into something unrequited if I don't define. We haven't met officially though so I guess I don't even know! Like I said that's anxiety/OCD though GAHHHH! Also we are both twenty!
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2020.10.26 18:18 REL84 Did I end things too soon? (RE: myself and a man who are both in our mid-upper 30's)

This is so incredibly long and I realize will likely deter most people from reading it. But if there's anyone out there who's willing to hear my story and its details, I would really appreciate some feedback. Bc there were so many odd subtleties in my predicament, I felt many of these annoying details were important. So here goes - I dated a man who lived an hour away in a different city and state for about 5-6 weeks recently. We met on an online dating app. He was never a big texter, which I appreciated at first, bc I don't like when men smother me with texts early on. He has a very busy and pretty prestigious career in the healthcare field. I am also in the healthcare field so I know how busy one can be. While I don't like too much texting, I did find his texting a little too infrequent for my taste, esp since we live an hour away from each other, and I was worried about momentum. He always made the reservations, made sure to know if I wanted to sit outside or not (bc it's getting cold yet we were trying to be careful bc of COVID), always ordered whatever I wanted if we shared, offered me the best or first of anything over himself, etc. All his behaviors seemed to be that of a mature considerate man. We had a fantastic first date and he texted me the next day to pay me back for the uber we shared (we went to separate locations). He then was quiet for 3 days and asked me out on Wednesday for the following Saturday. This pattern continued for a few weeks. We would see each other on Saturdays and then he would reach out again on Wednesday to plan the next Saturday. The first date was 6 hours long, the second date was about 4-5 hours (seemed nervous to kiss me so I gave him a light kiss when we said goodbye), and the third date was 12 hours. We met in the afternoon and continued through the rest of the day and he invited me to meet up with some of his friends that evening and had a wonderful time. His friends seemed very enthusiastic and actually asked me "so do you usually have 12 hours dates?" in a warm humored way, as if to say "wow, you guys really hit it off". I caught one of them taking a picture of us sitting together and he texted it to my date. I wasn't sure if this was something cute bc he was excited for my date or if it was something else - like did he send it to all their buddies on their group text as some sort of a "hey guys, look at this hot chick our buddy bagged". These guys are quite active on their "bro chain" as they call it. I only say this, not bc I'm conceited, but bc he made it pretty clear he wasn't used to dating someone who "looked like me".
He seemed shy and very sweet, and down to earth but on our third date we ended up having to crash at his friend's place bc we couldn't get an uber. We stayed on his friends futon and the moment his friend went to bed, the man I was dating jumped on me. We had a heavy making out on and off for a few hours. Now, so much of it was super hot and I was really feeling it. But he was incredibly aggressive, so much so that he actually hurt me a few times - bit me too hard, sucked on my tongue so hard it hurt and actually made a popping sound lol, "nibbled" my ear so hard my ear piercings hurt for days. He went for my pants and I told him, gently, to stop. It was only the third date and there was no way, at our ages (in our mid-upper 30's) that I was going to have sex with him on his friend's futon 10 feet away from where his friend was sleeping. It just felt icky and sort of immature. When I told him no he said "I'm just having some fun" (he had had quite a bit to drink that night). Another thing that struck me was that I was fading at one point and I think I fell asleep bc all of a sudden I was aware again and he was touching me and making out with me. I think he may have been doing this while I was asleep??? But it was hard to say bc I was in a fog. He kept saying over and over "omg you are so hot. You are so hot". I noticed that when he touched me over my pants he was very rough - rapid hard rubbing back and forth and it almost hurt. It brought me back to make out sessions with inexperienced guys in high school or college. Regardless, I found most of it really really hot and i was even more attracted to him.
So the next AM I left his friend's place by an uber that my guy called for me. I texted him to let him know I got home ok and didn't hear back for a few hours. I think he had gone back to sleep. He wrote me back something brief but nothing about the previous night. I got the feeling he may not have so much experience and can be shy and was worried he felt rejected and I also needed to make sure we were on the same page bc, again, it felt a little tacky to try to have sex with me in his friend's living room in a very small apartment on the third date and it just didn't seem to align with the impression he gives off. At this point, I was very unsure of whether he really liked me and was a shy guy or if he really was just looking for fun. I had a hard time getting a read on this guy bc of his shyness and the fact that we had a great time and convo on our dates, shared the same values about religion, politics, practicing medicine, and he had very deep ideas about these topics etc. But there was very little communication between dates and the communication we did have felt unenthusiastic on his end. Anyway, I wrote him a couple days later and said I had a great time the previous weekend and that I wanted to make sure he didn't feel rejected sexually. I said it was very hot (which it was, despite the roughness), and I said I actually liked him as a person and didn't want to just jump into sex with him (bc I *did* want to have sex that night) before establishing what we are both looking for. I said I wasn't just looking for fun but am looking for something real. I said if he was just looking for fun, I wouldn't be offended in the least but that I'm in a different place. He never writes during the day bc of his job (something I really respect - he's very focused) but this time he wrote me back midday within an hour or so of my text and he said we are on the same page, that he's not looking for just fun either, and that he likes me too. He then said we could go as slow as I wanted to. After that, he texted me nearly every day that week and then asked me out for the following Saturday. I had been waiting to see if my text was going to scare him off but it didn't and it actually made him even more communicative so I saw that as a very reassuring sign.
The following Saturday we had another great long date and I let him come back to my apartment. We were both acting a little nervous. He had to take his contacts out and put his glasses on and asked me if I liked his glasses in a sheepish way (again, shy/insecure vibe). We ended up sleeping together. He had a slightly gentler touch this time but still very rough rubbing and didn't seem to know how to touch a woman down there. I told him to be gentler (in a very nice way) and he said "I AM being gentle". I thought he sounded a little frustrated but wasn't sure. Then after just a few minutes he said "are you going to cum?" and again, I thought it sounded a bit annoyed. I actually did end up having a small orgasm. I got the sense he didn't believe me or was underwhelmed that I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs or something. He never asked me what I liked or what got me off and I found that a little strange. Like, if he was so concerned about getting me off, then why wouldn't he ask what worked for me? It felt a little like it wasn't about my pleasure but more about his ego but, again, wasn't sure. I went down on him (something I am good at) and he was incredibly into it, almost even more-so than other guys I've been with and they loved how I did it. He didn't reciprocate, which was ok with me bc I know some people aren't as comfortable doing that to someone at first. The sex was hot but also a bit like a younger inexperienced guy with a lot of "ramming". I am pretty patient the first few times I have sex with someone b/c the first time is always a little nerve-wracking for both parties and you're just starting to figure out each other's bodies/likes/etc. Something that really struck me was that he was ready to have sex with no protection. I stopped him and asked about STI testing and told him the last time I was tested. He seemed slightly impatient when I brought these things up. It was extra surprising bc he is a doctor. And then he asked me *after* the fact whether I was on birth control, which I was. He spooned me and cuddled me really tenderly for almost the rest of the night/morning and caressing my arm with his thumb. It felt really tender and hot at the same time.
Anyway, the next morning he wanted to have sex again (as did I) and we did. We laid in a bed for a little after that and then he turned to me and said, sort of awkwardly, "you can kick me out at any time if you need to do things". I took this as humility and maybe he was afraid he was overstaying his welcome but there was a tiny suspicion that he wanted to get up and go but didn't want to be rude. I smiled and said I don't want to kick him out at all and that I liked him being there. Things were a little awkward once we got up and moving. I was very nice and pleasant and asked him if he wanted me to make some breakfast or go out for some. He said he had to get going. There were other times things seemed a little awkward with him, but it usually felt like it was his shyness. I can be extremely outgoing but I noticed myself getting a little shy and awkward with him at times bc of his shyness, also probably bc I actually liked him. Once our dates got going every week and esp after he had a few sips of a drink, he was so much more relaxed and talkative. Anyway, something felt a little off when he left. I sent him a funny text about a half hour after he left relating to something that happened that morning and he did text back in a humorous way. I thanked him for the previous night and he thanked me back. I said I hope to see him again soon and he didn't respond to that.
Then 3-4 days went by without any texts from him. For me, this is unusual. I have never had a grown man (who wasn't supposed to just be a hook-up) go days without texting me after the first time having sex. It's not about clinginess but about respect/consideration. I have never been someone that gets suddenly needy after having sex with someone. Furthermore, this was a noticeable decrease in communication compared to the previous 1-2 weeks when the texting/communication seemed to increase a bit, esp after I told him I liked him and he said the same back. Wednesday evening rolled around and I still hadn't heard from him. This is normally his day to ask me out again. I decided to reach out and ask him about something I knew we were both watching on TV that night. He wrote back an hour or so later (he usually takes hours to respond, even in the evenings after work). I texted back in agreement to what he said. That seemed to be the end of the conversation. I was getting a distinct weird vibe at this point. The next AM I woke up and saw that he had texted me again about 3-4 hours after my last text the previous night. I had fallen asleep and didn't see it until morning. I just "liked" his text and didn't respond back bc it didn't really warrant a response. Then two more days went by without communication and at this point I thought it was over and felt sad and a bit offended. Until suddenly he texted me on Friday all excited (and with a lot of enthusiasm that he hardly ever used over text with me) bc he found out the fancy expensive car he was waiting to get came in and he had to go to another state to pick it up. He was super excited and asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I was very nice but was a bit cooler. I said I was so happy to hear about his car and that I was just going to be doing school work all weekend (I'm in grad school). We chatted a little about his car but he didn't ask me out. It felt weird that he asked me what I was up to for the weekend but then didn't try to make plans. The convo ended and I thought things over that night and decided not to hold it against him bc maybe he was processing some feelings after having sex for the first time with me and I also got the vibe when we were intimate that he thought he may not have been pleasing me so maybe he was nervous/insecure. However, this is why I made sure to tell him shortly after he left my place that I hoped to see him again soon (to which he didn't reply).
So I decided to take the lead this time and asked him the next morning if he'd be back by Sunday and, if so, I could go to where he lives. He sent a cool response back saying he wasn't sure where he'd be at or whether he'd spend another night with his family in the state he was in. He said if he came home Sunday it would likely be a little later but probably enough time to do something. He said he should know more about his plans by that night. Again, it just felt very lukewarm; a feeling in my gut. I very enthusiastically wished him luck and congratulated him again on getting his car. I told him to send me a photo of it when he got it. The rest of that day and night went by without communication and no photo of the car or letting me know what his plans were for Sunday. It seems small but it was another thing that made me feel like we weren't gaining the momentum in each other's lives. Like, I never knew what he was doing after work, who he was seeing, any day to day going-ons in his life and we had talked about this car since the first date bc he was frustrated about all the logistical issues he ran into in trying to obtain it. I would think if he was so excited and I was so aware of this part of his life, that he'd want to send me a pic. I'm pretty positive he texted a pic to all his buddies on their "bro chain". At times, he sounded a little like a frat guy with his "bros" and I got the feeling perhaps he was trying to be the person he wasn't when he was younger. He is a bit nerdy and was much nerdier when he was young. They also go to bars that mainly college kids and people in their 20's go to and his closest buddy who lives in my city and is a very successful professional seems to drink heavily, at least recreationally.
The next morning (Sunday) rolled around and I was frustrated again. I just kept getting this vibe on and off that he had lost interest or was toying with me a bit. But then he texted me in the morning telling me he was already home and asked if I was still up for seeing him that night. I was surprised bc he told me, if he was coming home on Sunday, it would be later. So I thought, if he got up early this AM to drive the few hours home, maybe he was really eager to see me and had just been playing it cool. I told him I was still up for it and ok to drive to him since he had been driving all over the place all weekend. Again, he made the reservation and even called them to make sure they had heaters outside so I could decide whether I wanted to sit indoors or outdoors. It all seemed very considerate again. So I went and, as always, things were a little awkward when I first showed up, plus I was feeling a little cautious after I felt his behavior after having sex together was a little inconsiderate and immature. I gave him a little kiss to say hi. We went to dinner and started talking and, as usual, we had the best conversation (and really got going after he had had a little bit to drink). He also admitted that he was extremely shy in high school and some of college and couldn't even speak to girls. I told him that was sweet and that girls can be stupid in high school and ignore the sweet guys like that. I mentioned I dated in high school and had some older boyfriends that I shouldn't have had and that I think it's better to be shy about dating when you're that young. There was a musician playing outside for the outdoor diners. He played an instrument that I had studied very seriously through childhood and part of college. My date got up to use the mens room and the musician walked over to my table. I don't know what his intention was but as he approached I told him I played that instrument too and we had a whole convo about that. The waitress came by and began to talk as well. My date returned from the bathroom and I brought him into the convo by telling the musician that my date was also raised in the same state that he was. They chatted briefly about that. After the whole convo was done and it was just me and my date left at our table he gave a small laugh and said, "I come back from the bathroom and there's a crowd of people around you talking to you". Now, I am quite outgoing and since I was a little girl, people have always been a bit drawn to me and always just start talking to me and opening up to me. I enjoy speaking with other people and having warm exchanges, whether it's a server, bar-tender, etc. I am definitely more outgoing than he is in that way but I never carry on for more than a few mins like I'm ignoring him, it's usually with females, and I've never flirted with men in front of him.
We went back to his place and watched something on TV. I could see in the corner of my eye that he kept looking over at me and watching me. It seemed almost like he was looking at me and debating whether he should kiss me or not (again, shyness vibe). We were sort of cuddling, he was rubbing my legs which were almost in his lap. Then he just leaned over and kissed me and we began making out. We had made out just for a few minutes when he asked if we should go to the bedroom. So we went and we had sex. It was better this time but still a lot of ramming and he seemed to expect or want me to cum just from penetration (again, inexperienced vibe). I tried to help myself along. I didn't cum. This is not unusual for me. Like most women, I don't cum every time and when I don't, it doesn't bother me at all bc I love so many other things about sex; just the whole act, process, the feeling of being taken over by someone. Anyway, it was still hot and we shared some dirty talk. Afterwards, again, he cuddled and caressed me. He then asked me if I had paid the musician from dinner over Venmo bc I asked the guy for his Venmo. I told my date that I had given him some money, and my date squeezed my arm and whispered that that was very generous. It felt really nice, like he appreciated generosity in a partner.
The next morning we stayed in bed longer and chatted. He was, again, less animated. Whenever he got like that, I would feel a little like he wasn't as into it. But he did open up a little about some issues he was having with someone at work and we talked it out for a while. It felt nice that he finally sort of opened up about something in his life or something he was worried about. At one point, something came up about the sex and he looked down and said in an extremely serious tone, "but you didn't cum". I looked over at him and said really nicely/tenderly, "oh no. don't put that on yourself. I don't always cum. It isn't always about that for me. I just love how hot it is when we're together and we're still getting to know each other's bodies". He didn't look at me or say much to that. But again, it was confusing to me bc he is fine expressing that he's unhappy about me not cumming but he never asked me what I like, what can we do to get me there. It was like he just wanted to keep doing what he was doing but with better results. I had asked him a few times the first time I went down on him what he liked and can he can tell me anything he doesn't like but he just moaned that everything was perfect. Something also came up about him being ok about not using a condom with someone he hasn't known for very long and he just said "yea, I don't usually ever do that" not sure what that means ?? But again, his tone and demeanor just didn't make me feel like I could talk more about it. There was also a moment when I sat up in bed and my back was exposed while he laid next to me. He touched a tattoo I have on my shoulder and he asked "how many tattoos DO you have?" he didn't say it like he was revolted or anything but I definitely got the vibe that he may not have liked them. I laughed and said I have four and hate two of them and that I warn all young people, especially my patients, not to get a tattoo until they've really thought about it. He made a little comment "so you were like a rebel when you were younger". I guess based on the tattoos and other little things or stories I had told him. I was a bit rebellious when I was in high school and college but not terribly so and I am an extremely driven and a somewhat neurotic professional and grad student now. He, on the other hand, was a reserved all AP classes kind of kid. I don't know what exactly it was but I got a bad vibe again. Almost like I felt a little ashamed and I NEVER feel like that about my adolescence. It's ridiculous. He also mentioned at one point that he was an introvert. I just smiled and nodded. Now, I kept getting the vibe he was introverted but then there were times when he didn't seem introverted at all. He did seem to have a bit of an ego about his job (definitely a doc who likes to be right... don't they all) and a bit vain. I can be vain too. I like fashion and looking nice and taking care of myself, but sometimes his vanity seemed perhaps a bit insecure. He had shyly said a couple of times on our first few dates that he has to go to the gym and work at it bc he didn't get the "good genes" in terms of height, and build. He was always on the thinner side. He also had lied about his height online by about 2-3 inches. I normally see that as a red flag in terms of confidence and honesty but I had ignored it bc we had had such a great first date. I thought he looked great and was *extremely* attracted to him and now that he's older and works out, he has a very nice physique! But he is not considered traditionally "handsome" but he is very very cute and I found him super hot bc of our connection. I also felt he talked about his new car frequently as a slight brag and also mentioned other monetary things like a large amount of extra money he might be getting through his job. For someone who didn't share a whole lot about himself and his daily life, it always struck me that he would talk about these status symbols. I attributed it to normal male nerves and wanting to impress a girl he liked. The night I met his friends, they also were ragging on him about how he always needs to choose a halloween costume where he can show off his arms. I thought it was funny at the time but now I wonder if he really does now think he's some sort of hotshot bc of his large salary, new fancy car, new muscles, etc lol.
Anyway, he was very reserved again and we got up, got dressed, and he asked me if I wanted him to make coffee. He only had caffeinated and I told him I don't do well with caffeine but thanked him. He then walked over to me with his phone and an app was pulled up for a local coffee shop. He said he'd order us coffees from there so I could have decaf. Again, seemed very considerate. We went to get the coffees and he was still really reserved and seemed a little cold. I guess, that's the thing. I have known and been friends with reserved people but I can still get a warm vibe from them. But during these reserved times, it always felt a bit cold with him and it definitely made me feel and behave more reserved. We got the coffees and drove back towards his place. When we got closer, he asked in an unenthusiastic tone if I wanted to come back up to his place for a little. I said "Umm, yea.. I'd like that. I'd like to hang out a bit. You said you had to go to the gym, when do you plan on going?" then he said "well I was just going to finish my coffee and go straight there". He said it, again, somewhat coldly. I was so confused and the whole exchange felt a little awkward. He asked me up but then says we will only hang out for like 5 mins bc he's just going to finish his coffee and then go on with his day? I just felt confused again like I constantly kept feeling with him and I normally don't get confused like this with guys. So I pleasantly said "oh ok. If you're just going to head to the gym in a few mins, I might as well just head home." I was disappointed bc, again, like the previous week we had sex, I would have been really happy to spend a little time with him the day after but he didn't seem to feel the same way. I wanted so badly to go up with him and relax on his couch and hang out. Then I put my hand on his cheek and said I had another great time. I gave him a sweet kiss. When I pulled back, he was smiling but there was something weird. Like it wasn't a nice big smile, he looked a little shy but also something else. Almost worried?? I don't know, but I just got that weird vibe again and I don't get these vibes often from men - I usually can tell by this point whether they're interested or not. I don't normally get paranoid. I normally have the opposite, where the guy wants to spend more time with me and I'm being more cautious in the beginning. I am not used to this power dynamic where I find myself seemingly more interested in communicating and spending time with a guy than he does with me. It felt like another red flag.
I drove the hour it took to get home. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. He didn't ask me if I got home ok or anything. The next day I sent him a photo of something. He wrote me back about 6-7 hours later after work. It was an unenthusiastic short sentence with no punctuation. I responded with something humorous and also told him something I was excited about that day (it was only a couple sentences), and then said I had just gotten home from work and I had hoped he had a great day. No response. Not even a delayed one; no response to me saying I hoped he had a good day; no response in regards to what I was excited about, which bugged me bc I was always so supportive and animated about the little things he was excited about in his life like his new car. At this point, I felt very very strange. I noticed, even though I didn't text him a lot bc I was trying to mirror his texting habits, that when I did, I would get really nervous beforehand. Almost like I was worried I'd look desperate or stupid for reaching out and that I already knew he wouldn't write back for a long time or would write back unenthusiastically. I usually never feel inhibited like this with someone at this stage of dating, esp when I am usually the more reserved one over text with a man in the beginning. It was an interesting thing to observe in myself. I was quite annoyed at this point and concerned about the future of a possible relationship with someone who lived at a distance and was so uncommunicative and unenthusiastic in between dates. And the fact that we started sleeping together and I made sure to take more initiative the previous week in terms of texting him and making plans to ensure he knew I was really still feeling it and he didn't change his behavior at all. Again, his enthusiasm and communication actually decreased. I would have been perfectly happy staying on the same trajectory we were on before we slept together but the fact that he got colder afterwards was a red flag to me.
So this is where it gets weirder. After he never texted me back and I was on the verge of just giving up on it and thoroughly annoyed at this point, the next day I was at home and had to send money to one of my friends over Venmo. I opened the app and my feed immediately popped up and I saw my date's name. I kind of perked up and clicked on his profile out of curiosity. I then saw that he had zero transactions in the last year or so except for transaction after transaction after transaction with another girl. All the transactions had cute little emojis like cocktails, coffees, food, cars/uber, etc. She humorously mentioned in one of them that this was their routine, how they always split 20:80. They seemed to get a more frequent this past spring, picked up much more through the summer, and then I noticed he had seen her every single weekend for the last 2 months on either Friday night or Saturday morning/day before he saw me on our Saturday nights. He had talked to me about a couple of his friends and the "bros" pretty frequently and I even met a couple of them early on, especially the ones that live in my city/state. But I realized he never ever talked about any friends he had in his city/state, never ever mentioned anything he ever does there recreationally. There were a couple times we had gone on dates and he had mentioned he had already "eaten a little something before he came" and I realized those were some of the days he had seen this girl before me, based on the Venmo transaction dates. He never ever mentioned her, or that he had eaten with a friend before seeing me, never mentioned any of the restaurants or activities he did with her. I found this very very odd. If they were really good friends or something and he mentioned her, I wouldn't find it as weird. Though, I do think it's questionable when a man in his upper 30's sees a particular woman every single weekend in a row and they're "just friends". I kept trying to think but there was just no other explanation. I figured out she was 8 years younger and they do not work together but they live in the same city. This is a complete side note and could be absolutely nothing, but on our third date, he had mentioned he had dated someone who was 8 years younger and couldn't stand how many pictures she took all the time and that he felt like she wasn't really enjoying the actual moment. He said he had told her to stop taking so many photos. At the time, nothing seemed that weird, however I noted immediately that he seemed really annoyed just talking about it, almost like it was recent. This isn't hindsight talking, I picked up on this when he told me but it obviously wasn't strange enough to think about it after. Again, could be nothing and a completely different girl from his past, but I found it strange coincidence that this girl on his Venmo is 8 years younger and he was complaining about a somewhat recent person in his life who was 8 years younger and displayed some (in his opinion) immature behaviors. If he was complaining to his "new girl" about his "ongoing girl", that is really really sh***y. This guy is really not into social media. He would harp on it a lot and talk about how he thought it was ruining certain aspects of our culture and how we obtain reliable info. He suggested a documentary to me early on about social media and I watched it and it scared me too. But then I started wondering if he just doesn't use social media bc he's shady. I suppose that's the problem. I kept getting these vague shady vibes from him.
So here is where you may tell me I sound insane. But after I had just about ended it the previous week after he had been, what I perceived as, disrespectful after first sleeping together, and all the other vague lukewarm vibes I got from him, and not responding to me at all the previous day, I decided I was not going to ask him about it, I was just going to end things. It was getting to be too much for me... or rather too little. I didn't feel like there was a momentum building and any minimal momentum we had had actually ceased once we had slept together. I texted him and said this was really hard to do bc I liked him on several levels and have had so much fun with him. I said I know he is introverted and reserved and I actually like that in a man but I keep getting the distinct feeling that there is more to his reservedness with me. I said I don't know for sure what it is, but it's a strange vibe and, from my experience and other reasons of my own [aka Venmo, but I didn't say that yet] it seems like he may have his thoughts and time distracted by someone else. I told him I don't expect or want a commitment so early on with someone, however I do believe in sexual exclusivity while I'm trying to find out what I have with someone I'm sleeping with and I also am not ok with sleeping with someone who has possibly been seeing someone for a while (more than just a couple of first dates). I didn't say this part but I am a realist and know that most of us are likely seeing a few people for 1, 2, maybe 3 dates around the same time but if he has been seeing someone regularly with increased frequency since the SPRING, that's about 6 months. I then said that, unfortunately, these vibes are making me concerned about trustworthiness and just plain sexual health. I said I think it may be best not to discuss further and to go our separate ways.
He took 6 hours to reply and wrote me back close to midnight and just said "I'm not currently sleeping with anyone else, but if that's how you feel then ok. Take care as well." I replied a little while later and just said, I know you don't like social media, etc but I think you should be aware of what Venmo is sharing about your life on your friends' public feeds. So then I was super sad the next couple of days but felt that I made the right decision. However, on the following Saturday, I was curious and decided to see if there was another Venmo payment like clock work on his feed from her. There was, and she just wrote "therapy sesh" with a coffee and martini emoji. I talked to my mom about it, who had agreed his signals were too inconsistent, but she made an oops face and agreed that this was weird right after I ended things with him. None of their transactions ever had even a hint of sadness or upset in them and now 3 days after I broke it off with him he's having a "therapy sesh" with her. Of course it could have literally nothing to do with me. I said "oh my god, do you think they really are just friends and he was confiding in her about this?!". of course there was no way to know for sure but my mom suggested I write him once more, on the off chance that I had read him completely wrong from the beginning, to let him know I was sorry if I came off too harsh. I wrote him and said I was sorry for how I ended things that may have seemed abrupt and didn't give him much of a chance to reply. However, I did feel that I had a hard time gauging how he felt about me at times, and that there was a distinct drop in communication and increase in lukewarm vibes from him once we had become intimate. I said I found this all very concerning about respect, trust, interest level, etc. I said it all came to a head this past week in terms of trust and that's why I did what I did. I said "Was I completely off base? Bc if I was, I think i was hurtful and I'm sorry for using inadequate tact". That was almost two weeks ago and I have had no reply. I wasn't really expecting one.
So I am on here bc I feel completely messed up about this. I have never posted anything on a site like this in my life. I've never been this conflicted about a decision like this nor feel this sort of regret. I read people quite well and pick up on red flags well and reasonably early. When I end things with a guy, even if I feel sad or a little regret, it's clear I made the right decision. We had so many things aligned in terms of values, beliefs, the way we viewed the world, weird offbeat shows we found funny, sophisticated taste in cuisine, among so many other things. I have not met anyone quite as compatible in all those ways and I was starting to have feelings for him, despite my concerns. I kept telling myself I just needed to better understand an introvert. So bc of this and my age, I am obsessing over whether I threw away something that could have been potentially wonderful if I had been more patient. Was I too hasty to think the worst? Did I read him wrong and he really was this little introverted, nervous guy who was trying to act/seem cool? Has he had issues with other women finding him too reserved and I was just another one to make him feel bad about himself bc of it? I had moments where I thought he may have not been confident enough to be with someone like me and was very immature, despite his professional success. I am very friendly, outgoing, I do draw a lot of attention from men (sorry for the arrogance), and I know quite a bit about politics, medicine, I'm well-traveled and well-spoken. I have known multiple doctors before who clearly need a woman who plays second fiddle so they are the "star". Please give me honest but respectful feedback. I just am having a hard time letting this one go. I realize noone will know the true answers to my questions, except for him, and the fact that I'm so worried about it now probably proves I should have opened up a dialogue about it, rather than just end things. If I wasn't prepared to deal with the emotional fallout of it ending and my questions never being answered, then I should have waited a bit longer. I also realize that, if I WAS completely off base, to him, I must look like a paranoid lunatic and he would never want to speak to me again. I don't know. Please be real with me. Please be kind. Thanks.
submitted by REL84 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 18:07 helpmebcloser2him My [24F] boyfriend [27M] claims that I'm clingy and that I need to be with him 24/7. I think this is a false narrative.

We've been dating for one year. I am a dating veteran who has experience with relationships, while I'm the first serious girlfriend he has had in his life. We recently started living together roughly 2-3 months ago, however, this problem was prevalent before we moved in together. Despite these situations, I love him tremendously and he treats me incredibly well. The situation as follows:
Am I batshit crazy or am I right in the fact that my boyfriend is trying to craft this narrative that I need to be with him 24/7? Every time he brings it up, I do genuinely try to do some "soul searching" and think if this is true...and while I think some aspects are true, his perception is greatly exaggerated.
submitted by helpmebcloser2him to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 17:57 kayjay2828 i can't get over her.

i (19F) can't seem to get over my abusive ex girlfriend (18F).
i met her a little over two years ago when i started out at a new high school. i was a senior and she was a junior. i kinda had a thing for her back then, but she had a girlfriend at the time so i didn't say anything. it wasn't until the summer of 2019, right after i graduated, that we started to talk about dating. she and her then-girlfriend broke up that july, and originally, i wasn't going to start dating her right away. i moved about half an hour south from where she lives because i had started college, and i didn't have a car at the time, plus her parents supposedly wouldn't be very supportive of our relationship (we're both lesbians, and she told me that her parents were homophobic and wouldn't let us see each other if they knew we were dating). we told each other that we would wait for one another until she started college in august of 2020.
that never ended up happening. i went to a friend from the area's birthday party, and another old friend picked me up from her house the next day and we met up with my now-ex girlfriend. we made things official that day.
she did a few things that kind of rubbed me the wrong way very early on (would frequently talk about marrying me only a few weeks into the relationship, was quite literally obsessed with me, was kind of possessive over me to the point that she would get jealous if i complimented celebrity women), but she was my first girlfriend, so i really didn't know that these were red flags. i just figured that she was scared of losing me, because she did tell me that she had abandonment issues.
things seemed relatively normal on the outside for the next few months of our relationship. i started a new job at the end of september 2019 (this will be relevant later), she and i talked every day, and i would see her on days that my dad let me take his car. i finally got the car to myself in january of this year, so we made a few sleepover plans throughout january and february. around this point, i found myself getting easily sick of her and easily annoyed by her, but i'm pretty seriously mentally ill, so i figured that she herself hadn't done anything wrong. i remember when she would sleep over, the only thing i'd want in the morning was for her to go home.
things started to get bad between us in late february of this year. my mental health collapsed. i ran out of energy, and unless it was in-person, i didn't talk to anybody. the only real exception was this discord group chat i was in with a few of my coworkers from that job i'd started in september, and for the sake of privacy, i'll call them carly (19F), hunter (21M), and leighann (22F). the chat was typically limited to work-specific conversation, but hunter is probably one of the funniest people i know, and he would joke around with carly, leighann, and i a lot.
i grew really close to them, but particularly leighann and hunter. especially hunter. on the outside, he and i seem like complete opposites. he comes from a relatively conservative family and kind of looks like a redneck, and i come from a liberal family and i look like somebody pulled me out of a hot topic ad from 2003. despite this, he and i have almost the exact same personality and have shared so many life experiences to the point it's kind of scary. i felt comfortable talking to him about problems i was having in my life, because he was able to give relevant advice. quickly, we became best friends.
my girlfriend did not like this, despite the fact that i'm a lesbian and i don't have any interest in men. she knows this. she has always known this. but she managed to find a way to get jealous, her reasoning being "he gets to see you all the time!" she didn't like that i would vent to him about my problems, but in reality, whenever i tried to vent to her, she would either speak over me or go and tell everybody else my problems.
whenever i tried to talk to her around this point in time, i just felt so drained and empty after trying to hold a conversation with her. it sucked. i wanted to love her, but i couldn't. despite feeling this way, no one knew what we were going through. i couldn't find the words to break up with her because i didn't want to hurt her by not doing it in person, but it would suck if i made the effort to drive half an hour out of my way just to break her heart. i was at a dead-end.
finally, i couldn't take it anymore and i broke down in front of hunter while we were on our break at work. i told him everything. i showed him the texts. and he was the very first person to tell me how toxic she was. i knew it in my heart, but i didn't want to admit it because i was scared. that fifteen minute break wound up turning into a forty-five minute break, we both got "yelled at" by our supervisor the next day, and this was the point that i realized that i wasn't in love with her anymore.
i was in an argument with her pretty much every single day after that. time and time again i would try to explain to her that i was trying as hard as i could, but i was legitimately in a depressive episode and didn't have the energy to do anything besides scroll through social media. it's worth mentioning at this point that i was pulling 40 hour weeks at my part-time retail job, and i was a full time art student. i was very mentally exhausted.
our arguments got more and more heated. she would always find new reasons to tell me that my issues were nothing compared to what she went through. she always told me about how abusive her parents were, so i would tell her that she needed to find a safe place to go. the worst thing she ever did to me, though, was use her self-harm against me. she brought it up in the middle of an argument with me and it broke me. i didn't feel comfortable venting to her anymore, but that made her upset, too. damned if i do, damned if i don't. if i vent to her, she makes me feel like shit about it because her life is so much worse. if i vent to hunter and/or leighann, she makes it out like i don't care what she has to say.
she finally broke up with me on march 10th of this year and i was beyond relieved. i told hunter that i felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my chest, and he told me that it was probably the biggest sign that the relationship was beyond unhealthy. despite this, i stayed friends with her for the next week. we rarely spoke, because it felt weird and unnatural because of how fresh the breakup was, but i didn't think that it was that big of a deal. after all, we weren't girlfriends anymore, so there was no obligation for communication.
things really decided to go to shit in my life on march 16th. hunter got really sick to the point he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. him being my best friend, i was naturally concerned with his health status rather than speaking to my ex girlfriend. this was also probably the most stressful day that i had ever worked in my life. it was the last day that my work at the time was open for retail, so customers were flocking to buy everything they could.
the next day, my ex sent me a mega paragraph telling me how big of a piece of shit i was for going one whole day (24 hours! whoaaa!) without speaking to her. she told me that she was cutting me off, but that if i finally realized the type of person that i was, i could text her again. she made sure to tell me how in love she was with me, blah blah blah, WHATEVER. she then went and told everybody that i cut her off. she even had the nerve to lie to my mother and tell her things i had said about her in confidence (my mother is emotionally abusive and i vented to my ex about it because i thought that i could trust her.)
my ex has found so many ways to try and come back into my life since she cut me off. she would routinely view my snapchat story, would send me friend requests on facebook and then immediately undsend them so that i would get notified, tried to get involved in hunter's life, and even had the nerve to message me on instagram and ask if we could be friends again. this all piled up on me because it all happened within like, a month.
i hate her. i feel bad saying it, but i do. and i'm not over her at all. i'll admit that i handled the situation poorly, and i should have communicated with her a little better when i was depressed, but dammit, i was trying. i never hurt her. i never wanted her to go through any amount of pain.
i don't know what to do. i don't know how to handle this feeling. i want to tell her off, but i know how she is. she'll just start more rumors about me and make my life a living hell. again. she knows too much about me.
submitted by kayjay2828 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.10.26 15:28 acoupleofcoolcats 29/29 [FM4F] #Bridgewater-ish - Fun, laid back couple seeking fun, laid back female for casual throuple dates (ideally leading to an ongoing FWB dating situation, but we won’t hold you to that haha)

Repost
First off, we 100% acknowledge COVID is a real thing. We know it’s to be taken seriously, we wear our masks everywhere, have both been WFH since March, only gather with others/go out in a manner that is acceptable within the current restrictions, etc. Everyone’s entitled to proceed in a way which is best for them and makes them feel safe. Obviously we’re not going to meet up with you if we’re feeling unwell or have knowingly been exposed and would hope for the same courtesy. We’re just to the point where we feel comfortable expanding our circle of trust a bit. Anyways, on with the R4R post....
We’re a long term committed couple (Both 29 - she’s bi and he’s straight. Together over 10 years, married last Summer). Looking to hang out with females who share a mutual interest in worthwhile friendships, meaningful connections, and the benefits building good chemistry can afford 😉. Not looking to rush into or force anything - a few no expectations “dates” or “hangouts” (whatever you wanna call it haha Dinner, a fire and some pizza, the beach, etc.) to start before anything more is pretty much a requirement for us. Just a chance to get to know you, let you get to know us, and share some laughs/conversation. Then we can see where we’re all at and go from there. We have previous experience in something similar to this with another redditor we met earlier last Summer and it was an amazing friendship and experience while it lasted (she moved away and into a more traditional relationship), so we figured why not jump back into it and see what else life might have in store for us!
We’re, as we said, both 29. Like to think we’re pretty mature (at least emotionally and adult functionality wise), but we definitely still know how to have fun and act like we’re in our early 20’s. College educated, have jobs, homeowners, all that adult boring stuff. Personality wise, we’re both really laid back, go with the flow type people. We think we’re pretty respectful, cool, good all-around humans, but guess you can be the judge of that. Looks wise, we’re probably somewhere between a 5-10, depending what you’re into. Not gonna paint some unrealistic picture of what we look like like most r4r postings (everyone has an olympian’s physique and has a foot long penis or DD’s, don’t you know?), but we do our best to keep in shape and take care of ourselves (her with yoga, him with running/weights). If you’re into big butted brunettes, you’ll probably like her. If you’re into leaner dudes with tattoos and beards, you’ll probably like him. Totally willing to share pictures once we start exchanging messages.
Preferably, you’re from South of Boston/North of Providence (we’re somewhere around there, without getting too specific), somewhere between 23-40, and normal/respectful/cool/honest (and by normal, we really just mean not creepy, bc if you’re in r4r looking for sex, how normal are you by society’s standards, really?).
Totally get this sounds like a lot, but we know what we’re looking for and don’t really want to waste anyone’s time or settle for less. So yeah, if you made it this far, you’re probably the type of person we’re looking for! Shoot us a message if you’re interested. We both have kik so we can swap over to that after we get in touch so the 3 of us can chat and share some more pictures. Looking forward to hearing from you :)
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2020.10.26 14:50 thatswhatsriiisaid First Breakup

Me(17 F) and him (17 M) broke up 2 days ago. We were friends for 3 years and kinda found a new love blossoming during this pandemic. We started behaving like a couple since April but officially started dating in July, everything was online, we couldn’t meet even though we lived 5 minutes apart. I was unsure about my romantic feelings for him from the beginning and let him know that too. We were just extremely compatible, supportive and perfect for each other on call and chat. Both of us went through a period of uncertainty with regards to college and we both stuck with each other throughout that period. He began his classes, my college will begin next month. Few days back my friends decided to surprise me with a date with him. I knew it was going to be awkward because we never met since the time we fell in love. It was awkward but most of all, we didn’t have the dynamic or spark which we had online, I wasn’t happily surprised, I didn’t like looking at him in a romantic sense. I realized I might’ve romanticized my feelings online a lot. Since we had different colleges and different long term goals and I wasn’t attracted to him in that way, I decided to let him know that it wouldn’t work. We broke up and ever since, I’ve not been able to forget HOW amazing of a person he was, how amazing of a friend and boyfriend he was. We both are super ambitious people and just got along so well, those few months of bonding with him were the best months of my life. He’s partly the reason I’ve grew so much as a person in my personal and professional life. He thought of me as ‘the one’ and wanted to continue the relationship in college as well but I wanted to be practical so I just gave up on it. I feel like shit and I feel so so so bad for hurting him this way. I can’t imagine what he would be going through because that’s how much we’ve opened up to each other. We make each other so happy and I feel so bad for not having the feelings I’m supposed to have for him. I knew the breakup was coming but I didn’t want to do it while I was in med school and deal with the emotional turmoil then. Now I’m hanging in between school and college with no work to occupy myself with and I’m unable to stop thinking about us. About the songs we heard. About the stuff we wanted to do. About his and my dreams. This was my first relationship and first breakup and I know I’m a person who shares my problems. But he isn’t, it was his first breakup too but he’s dealing with it all alone and I hate that. The fact that I’ve hurt him, hurts me more. These were just my feelings I couldn’t share with anyone :(
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